she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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