Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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