Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
