you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
