Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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