A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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