Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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