I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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