It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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