Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have so many feelings about this burrito
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
