I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
