Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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