I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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