I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
