Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
