Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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