Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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