i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
