Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
