Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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