also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
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While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
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You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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