I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
