If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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