I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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