If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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