I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
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He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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