If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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