And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
