I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
