so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
