There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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