I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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