I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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