you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
