I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
