life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
