Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
