I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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