i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
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Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
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That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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