when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
3 2 1 whiskey
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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