I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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