he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
