I can text with my tongue
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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