eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
