before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I supernannyed him into submission
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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