Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
