Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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