My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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