It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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