Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
