I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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