I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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