you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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