News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.